Normally, I try to write all things amusing and lighthearted as the world can be a rather a grim place as is. However, this morning, I received my reality wake-up in the form of Numero Uno pounding on the door at 7am. After letting him in with a whoosh of cold air, I went to rouse the kids, including the one who had stealthily slipped into my bed after Numero Uno's departure early this morning. All the joyful, chaotic noises of morning rose and I sat down on the couch for two minutes of snuggles before the daily rush out the door. Abby had run to N.U., chirping, "Hi. Dada." and was curled against his chest, sucking on her fingers. Savannah had instructed me, "Here, Mom. Sit HERE!" and was cuddled against my side, cup of milk in hand. Drew had relocated to the loveseat, re-initiating the hibernation act with coverings from head to toe.
N.U.: You remember the party we were supposed to go to on Saturday?
Me: (nodding silently as loquaciousness comes with consciousness)
N.U.: The guy who was throwing it killed himself last night.
We hadn't missed the party because we had wanted to but because NU had picked up an overtime shift.He had originally wanted to go because, being new to the department, it was the first time he had been invited to anything by his fellow officers after the training had been completed.
My mouth hung open for a moment and all the sweet drowsiness cleared from my head.
Me: Oh no! What happened?
NU: (shrugging) He's been going through some stuff, I heard. He always seemed like a really upbeat guy to me.
Me: (slowly) I'm guessing he's divorced?
NU: Yeah. A really nasty one that's still going on.
Me: Kids? (mentally crossing my fingers that the answer will be in the negative.)
NU: One.
I leaned back, Savannah re-tightening her grip on my shirt, just in case I feel like getting up without her consent. Having been a LEOW (law enforcement officer wife) for several years now, this, sadly, is not the first time I have heard news like this about NU's fellow officers but it is the first time in this department. Every time, even not knowing the officer personally, it's the same response - my heart hurts. It hurts for the officer - for all the pain he/she must have been in and the utter despair and crushing hopelessness that must accompany the decision to take his/her own life. It hurts for those left behind to pick up the pieces of a life cut short and the anger that must surely accompany that.
There are no comforting words to eliminate this pain, this sense of loss, but I strive to remember this - cherish the life around you. Make sure people know that you love them through both word and deed. Keep your eyes open for those who need a smile, a friendly word, affirmation that they are valued. People will make their own choices but you might never know if your kindness tips the balance towards that positive decision.
My heart is heavy today and I'm going to kiss my kiddos now. I kissed NU goodbye as he left.
Cherish it. I know I will.
The links below are links for confidential crisis referral services for first responders. JIC
http://www.facebook.com/safecallnow
http://www.facebook.com/1stResponderTreatment
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